Fat Girl Friday Birthday Slim Down - Week 11 - 07/07/2023

Fat Girl Friday Update:

Starting Weight: 312 (April 28th weight in)

Last Week's Weight: Ugh.

This Week's Weight Goal: Ugh.

Thie Week's Actual Weight: 311.2

Week's Weight Difference: Ugh.

Birthday Slim Down Weight Difference: Less than a pound

To be honest, this week had so many mental ups and downs I haven't even really kept track of what I did and didn't eat or put in my body. I'm pretty sure I hit the Isotonix daily, the shakes most days and the Ketones most days, but I won't lie.. in the middle of a mental blur like this week, just maintaining the BASIC functions of life, like showering and completing work tasks on time while making sure Zabrina is cared for and gets the time I'm able to dedicate to her (we started playing connect 4 before bed and WHOA that's a fun new little routine) takes every drop of energy I have. Of course the times I'm in constant battle with my own Bully Brain makes it even harder to be present in my physical life. But I made it another week. I didn't tap out, I didn't throw in the white towel, I didn't resort back to ALL of my toxic habits, but I did have to give myself some grace because I'm emotionally and mentally dealing with so much if I don't, I'll never let myself live down all the things I wasn't able to accomplish.

Just like with the number on the scale ugh. UGH UGGGGHHHH... I'll never make those numbers drop if I don't keep pushing forward. But this is where it would be easy to quit, in fact where I would probably normally do just that. Fuck it, I'm excelling in my career, I'm taking more cases and generating more income that will build towards Zabrina's future, I'm taking time out to spend just with her, time with the family and even managing a wee bit of me time. Everything after that should be a bonus... right? .... WRONG ANGIE. THIS IS WHY YOU'RE 300 LBS, DONT HAVE YOUR OWN PLACE, AND CAN NEVER GET ON TOP OF YOUR SHIT!!!! You break down, you give up, you forget EVERYTHING you've done!! All those things I've started doing (like going on a mini nature hike and then swimming with my nieces and daughter in the lake, AND STILL GOING TO WORK THE NEXT DAY... I forget that. I might not have managed to track my food intake, or even make semi nutritional eating and drinking choices... I STILL GOT OUT OF BED. I forget the fact that 2 years ago just getting myself dressed and to my appointments or handling my virtual work visits would have been so taxing there would be nothing left.... LOOK HOW FAR YOU'VE COME! UGH!

***WARNING*** The below portion was typed during a very VERY intimate down day. It was a day I was so overwhelmed my mind was going 55 MPH in a school zone, and I couldn't grasp onto anything positive. THIS part is usually hidden, kept ONLY to 2 other humans on the face of this earth, one of them being Zabrina because SHE is the light that pulls me through the darkness, but I don't tell her everything (Obviously she's 4, I just tell her that Mommy's brain is having a bad day and Mommy is feeling really unsure of herself and all the work she's been putting in, Zabrina is the BEST at cuddling me and reminding me that I'm capable of great things...)

But this time I'm sharing. Because as of July 14th... I start another journey around the sun... and THIS time around... I'm coming uncensored, I'm giving everyone watching a front row ticket into the actual ongoings of who I am and what makes me tick. Which is exciting because I'm JUST discovering myself so this is a journey I'll be telling not from the finish line where I'm like PHEW that was hard but worth it, now let me tell my story and help other people, but WHILE running the race. So get ready to watch me huff and puff, stumble, and sometimes even fall... and then get ready to watch me "Get up, brush off and just keep going" ... the first piece of advice I'd received from my Dad the first year I ran Jr. Bloomsday, and I boldly announced it to the reporter that asked what if I fell during the race.... Time to put that advice to my adult life and start this damn thing, for real. And I can't do that, if I'm not honest along the way.

Tuesday July 4th 2022 - Holy Shit Y'all! I can't even begin to tell you the massive amount of clarity I'm finding in so many different areas of my life... and it's only TUESDAY!!! When I step back and try to collect my thoughts for this blog I'm in shock that I'm not having a panic attack... but then my heart begins racing and everything blurs in my mind in a giant bully brain driven blender whirl..

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm never going to make it!

Ugh! Stop trying so hard, you're such a fake

This is all fake anyways

Why are you awake at 3 am playing on your phone while Zabrina is sleeping with Nana for a Nana night?

You're such a trash Mom

You wasted so much of her life

You'll never get the chance to go back and make memories

You missed the important bonding times with her, idiot.

Probably why "God" took Deshaun, you'd probably fuck him up too

You're shit at your job too. You think you're making a difference but you're just a walking shit show with an Ipad

You haven't even lost 10 lbs, you're such a fat lazy fuck

Might as well eat all that candy, you already fucked your diet anyways, what's it matter

You'll probably have a heart attack soon anyways, should be investing in your funeral, not into buying a house.

How fucking dumb are you?

The list goes on and on... and it gets more vulgar and more degrading the farther it goes.... Stopping it is literally the equivalent of trying to stop peeing mid-stream at an ultrasound appointment while 28 weeks pregnant... it's damn near impossible.

And so typically I'd stop trying. Fuck it. Let it all out. I'd end up bawling the rest of the night, contemplating the easiest way to sever the bond with EVERYBODY around me so when I finally drown in this piss stream of a mindset it won't hurt them so bad. And then... I"d become exhausted to the point I physically hurt and I'd pass out. When I'd wake up.. I typically felt like shit. I would half ass my way through that day, and probably many after, and just when I'd start coming out of it.... back at the ultrasound table.... but this time with proper water intake.... so the force of the stream is even stronger than before...

But this time was different(ish)...

This time.. I got up, brushed off and just keep going.

Sorry to those who were rooting for me to hit that scale goal, I'll make up for it in the very near future. You're welcome to the select few that are rooting for me to fail, you got what you wanted, bask in that Glory because when you see what's coming next, you're going to wish you hadn't of rooted against me. And to my family, my friends that I call family, my Squad, and anybody who has and will support myself and Zabrina, Thank you. I love the hell out of you, even if you don't know it and I don't express it enough.

We got 1 week left on this trip around the Sun, time to bring this trip to a closure and start preparing for the next journey!

Until next time... Stay Humble, Stay Hydrated <3