This volcano is less dangerous to others than the anger volcano, but far more damaging to me. This is the volcano that typically stays at a low rumble, like the nerves you get before giving a presentation in middle school, or whn you start speaking to a man on the internet and you’re about to meet him face to face, or when you’re heading into a job interview for a position that you really want.
Next the lava begins flowing down the sides of the volcano. This is when you find yourself crying or throwing up in a bathroom stall before pulling yourself together and giving the presentation, meeting the man, or facing (and nailing) the job interview.
But what happens when there is so much pressure it finally blows? For me it begins with bailing on the task at hand…. pretending to be sick the day of the presentation, pretending something came up that prevents me from meeting the man, or not showing up for that interview. Then ends with a full eruption of me feeling like I’ll never be good enough for anything because I’ll never even show up to prove if I am or if I’m not.
Unfortunately I remember dealing with this volcano as far back as elementary school. I was always the biggest kid in the class and constantly teased and bullied, which made it really hard for me to tell myself I was good enough to do the smallest of things, like be a reading buddy to the younger children in my school. I was always in fear that new people meant new judgement and new teasing so I found it easier to avoid all situations this could be an issue. This left me leaving amazing opportunities to never be fulfilled (wait until Fat Mentality comes out!) and always me behind the other kids my age as far as experience goes. I was smart though, and always got good grades so to the adults in my life I was successful and something worth being proud of. Teachers would swoon over how easily I completed assignments, my parents would boast about the awards I’d bring home. But nobody talked about how I was usually sick the day the awards were given, or would scurry across the stage as quick as I could, barely pausing to shake faculty’s hand. Nobody reached out to help me when the biggest opportunities would come knocking, aside from telling me I woud nail it (which was constantly countered with the negative comments and actions of others mostly about my weight or appearance). Nobody knew how bad this volcano was burning as the lava burned down every chance I had at ever having the self confidence I envied in so many others. And that lead to permanent damage and mental turmoil I still battle to this day.
This volcano also leads to the one we’ll talk about next week being activated.
I’m curious to know, whoever makes it this far in my blog, do you struggle with self doubt? Are you able to contain the lava and pursue the things you dream of, or does it burn you so bad you can’t proceed?
I've improved a lot when it comes to self-doubt. It's still a big one for me. I am learning that I struggle with the aspect of being seen. I missed out on certain opportunities for the simple reason people would be looking at me. I'm afraid to be seen, so I'm afraid to draw attention to myself by achieving my dreams.