I’ve talked about the most damaging volcano to the people around me, the one that causes the most damage to me internally (and sets off the volcano we will talk about today)….
So let’s get into it…. The final volcano in this series (for now) is the anxiety/depression volcano.
To me, the warning signs that I’m heading towards an eruption with this volcano is when the panic attacks become more often (and for less reason) and/or I start falling off track with my habits and basic responsibilities. When I go a week without noticing my unwashed hair, there’s 3 weeks of laundry stacked up, and I’m rushing last minute to get assignments and reports in before the deadline, I know I’ve fallen off track again. This is the point I should probably reach out and tell people I’m sliding down the dark pits of the volcano and I’m about to be launched into a fiery hell, but I don’t. Instead I withdraw. I spend more time in bed, more time staring at the wall, and more time making myself sleep just to get the feeling to go away (which never typically works on it’s own).
The panic attacks are like surges of being scared, like bone chilling scared, for things that never used to really bother me. When they strike I feel my heart pounding in my head, my blood ciculating through my body at full speed, and the space around me feels like it’s closing in. Internally the thoughts become intrusive. “You’ll never be good enough” “You’re going to die of a heart attack because you didn’t get your weight under control” “You won’t be around to watch Zabrina grow up”. And no matter how hard I try to stop them, or figure out what’s actually causing them, I can’t.
These attacks get to the point they happen multiple times a day. And it’s fucking exhausting. When they become too frequent that’s when my good old friend Depression takes it’s grips and the thoughts become more scary. “Might as well end it, you’re never going to make it” “Zabrina would be better off without you and all your bullshit” “You’ll never be the Mother you dream of being” “You’ll never get out of the financial situation you keep getting yourself into” and the one that repeats more often than most “The entire world would be less burdened if you were gone”
Now understand that I don’t actually believe any of these thoughts, but once that volcano erupts it makes it hard to even focus on what I’m trying to do with my life, and blurs my vision to the point I can’t even see the end goal I’ve set myself towards in any area of my life. So the thoughts start to wear on me and eventually I become exhausted to the point I’m sleeping more than I’m awake, and sadly this happens to me far more often than I’d like to face, but I’m learning to work through each eruption and to clean up the damage BEFORE another eruption happens. So that’s a huge step in my progress to maintaining my mental health.
So how do you struggle with Anxiety and depression? Has it ever held you back from events in life that you really wanted? How do you deal with these? Or if you’ve never experienced the waves of anxiety or depression, do you have questions for someone who does?
Also… tell me how you feel about the different mental volcanoes I face, and if there’s any that you’re struggling to keep from erupting that I didn’t mention? Let me know! FatGirlRockBottom@gmail.com
~Until Next Time…. Stay Humble, Stay Hydrated~
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