May SUCKED.... Here's Why I've Been MIA

Have you ever felt so crappy you swore this was “it”. Laid in bed crying because you had a feeling or fear so overwhelming and yet you couldn’t explain why? So horrible all you can think about is your daughter living the rest of her life without you? Every time you get up getting so light headed you felt like you were going to pass out and the only way to stop it is to lay down and force your eyes closed? Something so painful but yet with no actual physical pain aside from the room closing in, your heart racing, and your head feeling like it was about to explode (like before a migraine hits)? I have. Let me tell you how my May went….

Wednesday May 8th I was driving to my far away work visit and I started feeling weird, like the aftermath of being drunk, but it only lasted a few minutes and then went away. I continued driving, being very mindful of what I was feeling physically. I got to my visit and while waiting for the child (who thankfully decided to refuse her visit) I got another surge of the weird feeling, only this time I was standing and it felt like the room tipped. I was 47 miles away from home and decided to make the journey back, having to pull over multiple times when the feeling became too intense. I finally made it home around 2:30 PM and I told my mom I wasn’t feeling good (downplaying how terrified I was) and went to lay down. The dizzy feeling had gotten so bad the ONLY thing I could do to ease it was force myself to lay down and close my eyes. I forced myself downstairs for dinner and ended up checking my blood pressure and blood sugar (which seemed normal) and then went back to bed.

That night laying in bed the feeling got so intense I felt dizzy even with my eyes close and I was more scared than I have been since I feared I was losing Zabrina when she was put on the ventilator. I started praying. To every God and Goddess I could bring to memory, begging for this not to be it. All I could hear was Zabrina peacefully snoring and that set me off in crocodile tears because I couldn’t stop thinking that this was the end of my being here with her. The feeling wasn’t stopping. I googled so many different things, heart attack, stroke, anything you can imagine until I was so exhausted I passed out.

The next morning I told my best friend Art how scared I was and he encouraged me to call the doctor, I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be told that I was just going crazy but the feeling wasn’t going away. I emailed because I couln’t bring myself to actually try to explain what I was feeling. They responded and told me to self monitor at home and if the symptoms didn’t go away by the next day (Friday the 10th) I should schedule an appointment, but they believed that it was probably caused by the medicine adjustment that took place the previous Monday.

So let’s jump back to Monday really quick so you know where it started. I had felt myself sinking into the black hole of depression and this round was scary bad. The feelings of not progressing and thoughts that the world would be less burdened without me were uncontrollable and no matter how hard I fought, I sunk deeper. Even though I was taking care of my basic responsibilities I felt like I was failing. Myself and everyone around me, but mostly Zabrina. Since I’m a seasoned occupant of depression land I thought I could pull myself out of it, but I just couldn’t. And the thoughts of disappearing became so loud they were like wrecking balls in my head. On top of this I had started having (what I thought) were REALLY bad panic attacks. My entire body would go cold, my heart would race (and sometimes flutter) and I’d get the feeling that the room was closing in so hard it would make me light headed. But it would go away after a few minutes. When I described what I was going through to my doctor, and again refused the anti-depressants, he recommended we double the mood booster I had started back in early February.

Jump back forward to Friday the 10th…. for almost 2 days I’d spend no less than 15 hours each day in bed trying to get the crazy lightheaded/dizzy feeling to go away and it was relentless. All I could do was lay in bed with my eyes closed begging whatever Gods, Goddesses or the Universe to make it stop. All while feeling like a shit mother because I couldn’t even get up to get Zabrina ready for school most days (Thank the Universe for my Mother for stepping in and helping out). I called the doctor, scared out of my mind, and made a last minute appointment.

They asked me a bunch of questions, and ran some physical tests looking into my eyes with that annoying light and testing my grip and if I could walk. I passed all the tests so they said it was more than likely serotonin withdrawals but just to make sure they wanted me to wear a blood sugar monitor for 10 days to make sure my blood sugar wasn’t dropping. They also recommended cutting back on the mood booster. I left feeling more scared than when I went in, but I trust my doctor’s office and went with it being the withdrawals.

For the next 2 weeks I had 2 good days, but the feeling never fully went away. I was sleeping any chance I could, or at least laying down to stop the feeling, and everything was starting to stack up. I was no longer able to keep up with my basic responsibilities and I was growing more and more concerned. Finally on the 28th, almost 3 weeks into this whole thing, I was able to get an appointment with my primary doctor and he ran the same tests. He also recommended that we re-start the anti-depressant I had been on up until about mid December, and put in an order for blood work and an MRI of my head just to make sure it’s nothing more serious.

So that brings us to today (currently the 30th, not sure when I’ll post this). The feeling still won’t go away fully and I’ve got one heck of a headache that seems to be here with it. In the meantime my period has also started so I can’t tell what symptoms are caused by that and what is actually related to whatever is going on. I’m scared. I can’t stop thinking there has to be something bigger going on, and the thought of not being here for Zabrina is crippling. I spend more time than not crying in my bed begging for a break. I try to push past it to make sure Zabrina is taken care of, and even made myself go to the library with her yesterday for an hour and a half (usually these trips are 3 hours or more), but it’s just not the same and all I can do is manage what I can and hope that the blood work shows something, or they get an MRI in fast and it reveals what it is. Either way this entire ordeal has set me so far back in my goals I feel helpless. I was able to get the laundry washed, but it’s still sitting in a basket waiting to be put away, I’m still needing my mom to help get Zabrina ready, and I’m pushing with everything I have to just get out of bed. All I can do is pray that something is figured out because I literally can’t keep going like this.

Update I forced myself to go to PT on Thursday this week and they think I might have cervical genetic dizziness which basically is LIKE vertigo but instead of the room feeling like it’s spinning I feel more of in a constant fog/lightheaded state and it comes from nerves in my neck. They did some work on my neck muscles and I’ve ordered a cervical pillow (which does NOT look comfortable). My blood work also came back stating that I had elevations in some indicators (I’m not a Doctor so forget the fancy words) that basically means I’m having serotonin blockage so re-starting the anti-depessants I was so against should actually help. Here’s hoping that next week is better because June is coming and I’m coming back with the habits, if these dizzy spells like it or not!

Have you ever expierenced anything like this? Have you ever struggled coming off of or changing a medication in a way that stopped your whole life? I’d love to hear your story! FatGirlRockBottom@gmail.com

~Until Next Time…. Stay Humble, Stay Hydrated~