Fat Girl Friday 01/26/2024 - Week 4 - Depression Sucks.

This blog will be shorter, as I have NOT been in the mood to write at all lately, nor have I really felt like doing anything outside of what I have to do.

Prior to my journey last year, I would have ran straight to the doctor, which I'm still considering, but also before last year I would have already been on anti-depressants. This time it's different. I have a Squad of people that I trust, fully, that I'm not afraid to disconnect and focus on what I have to get done, because they understand just how tiring the "simple" things I handle in a day can drain me. And knowing I have people who aren't talking behind my back, aren't just asking for the next opportunity for me to do something for them, and people who I know when I'm ready to reconnect with those outside of my core responsibilities, they will be there no questions asked.

This time I WANT to feel the feelings, and I'm determined to become the Master at controlling the anxieties. But it's not always easy. This week was just that.

Right now I'm clinging on to the light of day, praying for bedtime to come, and fighting like hell just to get out of the bed. My head hurts, My body hurts, My soul hurts. I'm at a new level of Oh Fuck than I've been on, and that's both a blessing and a curse. The curse is I am not equipped with the natural ability to "just stop the thoughts". Or to "Just get up" or "Just let go of what you can't control" .... The blessing... I'm learning to tap into the skill of controlling my mind and the thoughts I allow to live there.

The main piece that I'm focusing on right now is paying attention to, and not feeling guilty for, the signs my physical self displays. My body hurts not because of the disc herniations (they don't help) or because I'm sick, my body hurts because the stress has manifested into a physical energy that is destined to keep me down. My soul hurts because I am just now learning what that being is, and just how much I've neglected it and it's purpose. My head hurts because I spend far too much time thinking about these pains, and not enough time using my "down" time to recharge, as designed, but instead spend a good portion of it stressing about all the things I'm not getting done.

A year ago I would have been held captive to the Depression monster with far less coming at me, this year... I'm more on house arrest with work release. I acknowledge that I'm not mentally okay right now, I accept that it is taking it's toll on my body, and instead of feeling like less of a woman for it, I put my armor on, get up and handle what has to be done and then .... I allow myself to take the armor off, push the battle out of my head, and focus on grasping to activities like books, movies, crocheting, and sleeping, and this new found ability to STOP dwelling on what's to come, I'm more prepared each time I get up to face a "battle" or task. And even in my most mentally rocky week of the year.... All of my basic responsibilities are handled and I ensure my water and food intake don't cease. <-- That's a HUGE step in the journey and a cycle breaking action and I'm SO thankful for my new found ability.

~Until Next Week~ Stay Humble, Stay Hydrated.