Current Status: A Beautiful Disaster

Let’s keep it honest here. I woke up this morning at around 8, went to the bathroom and laid back down. Scrolled TikTok for an hour and a half, made one of my own, went to get up and had a horrid headache. Stayed in bed and started thinking about life, and death, and everything in general and ended up laying there bawling because somehow I started thinking about Zabrina and how much of a shit mother I feel like because I cant (and don’t) get up in the mornings, I spend a good chunk of my life crying or in pain, some days we forget to brush her teeth, and some days I don’t even feel like dealing with her hair and I feel like I’m failing her. Like this whole time has gone by and I’ve done nothing right by her. And mostly like when she grows up to be a scattered anxiety ridden mess, it won’t be unexpected because “well look who her mother is” .

So I laid there and cried, making myself feel more and more like shit both mentally and physically. Until almost 11. Zabrina was up at about 930 but she’s so used to me not getting out of bed she wasn’t phased, and she blessed my morning with giggles and tickles . She dried my eyes. She hugged me. And she said “Mommy, you the best mommy in the whole world” Almost like she could hear my every thought.

and with that little boost of power transferred from my rock of a daughter , I got up. I got dressed in my PT clothes, and I went to the pool. While stretching I lost track of time thinking about the morning, and realizing that this has become my normal routine. That I have been such a scattered wreck my entire adult life that I don’t know how to get on the right track.

I worked through my swim

recoveries focused solely on keeping my core tight , because THAT literally takes all of my concentration or I will end up flailing like a cat in the water. and then I got the red board. Oh god the red board. The one piece of equipment that was once my worst enemy. That embarrassed me by shooting up from behind me the first time I was instructed to sit on it and simply (or not so rather) walk back and forth using my core and my muscles to stop each way. The board that wrecked me the first time Pat showed me board swims, and again when Pete had me do them just a couple weeks ago. The board I struggle so hard to get going in the direction I want it to.…. and as I remembered everything me and this stupid board have gone through …. I realize that I’m already on my 2nd lap backwards and IM in control of the board. I realize I am so much stronger than that first battle with the board. I now hold the power of knowing how my body works, and I am capable of using that power to do what I need to do. And with every kick, every lap, every time I use this board I’m adding to the strength of me.… and THAT is beautiful. My journey is beautiful. I am beautiful… even in my most disastrous state… my place of PT, the support of the amazing people there, the backing and love of my friends and family and the tranquility and clarity I find in the pool has given me the gift of beauty again.

I am no longer ashamed of my disaster. I am learning to embrace it and recognize the beauty of it all. And in some odd way… that board is a symbol of the rollercoaster that is my life. And with the proper knowledge, a whole lot of effort and motivation, and an undying team of support that won’t let me drown, even when the board slips out from under me… I am the one in control of my beautiful disaster.

Tomorrow I try again. I wake up with my alarm… and if I manage to conquer the morning, GREAT, and if I don’t…. It’s OK.