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Fat Girl Friday Birthday Slim Down - Week 9 - 06/23/2023

Fat Girl Friday Update:

Starting Weight: 312 (April 28th weight in)

Last Week's Weight: 307

This Week's Weight Goal: Does it matter at this point?

Thie Week's Actual Weight: 307.5

Week's Weight Difference: 🤷🏼‍♀️

Birthday Slim Down Weight Difference: 4.5

Total Since I Had Zabrina: 35.5

Mental Health: It's been a LONG two weeks, and last week I couldn't bring myself to even post. I'm learning as I embrace who my being is, in name and body form, there's reasons I've felt so defeated and broken for as long as I can remember. I hated my body (one too many "Rosie O'Donnell" or "tubby tubby" jokes can do that to a young girl), I hated my mind (every time I attempt to stand up for myself, someone else is either offended (ugh) or decides it's my fault the entire situation was "ruined"

As a child I was taught to stand up to my bullies, but what happens when those "bullies" are the ones I think are closest to me, but are actually playing selfish roles to keep me in their deck of cards? To pull me out when they need to win a hand , but put me right back in the box when the battle is fought? What happens when those "bullies" have infiltrated my mental space to the point I hate myself SO much I allow them to play me like a deck of cards and never say anything when I'm back on the shelf? And worse.... what happens when the process of being pulled out for the game but put back once the games over becomes so "normal" it creates a safe resting place for other perpetrators and humans with much darker, deeper games to play to pick up the same used deck?

I spent the better part of 2 decades being the playing deck for the most selfish and disgusting excuse of a man I've ever come across. He played the slow game and it worked. Even as recently as last year. This man abused me in the most horrifying of ways, from mentally breaking me down to a point I didn't even see myself as a woman as much as a "sacrifice in the loosk department" to putting his hands on me in the scariest of ways and finally crossing a line I will never heal from... taking my body on his terms, over and over again. But it was okay because it always ended with (sometimes a half ass apology) but more importantly an I love you. Something I'd been trained to identify as an out for abusers to "make right" the pain they inflicted.

This lead me down the darkest of paths where I discovered the underground world. After above mentioned "man" left me tainted and tattered to move on to use yet another woman (I started healing OUTLOUD and stopped normalizing the fact that I had my trust, my love, and my efforts used as a powerful tool in my own abuse, I took back my power and closed access to my material contributions and POOF next thing I knew there's a woman cities away posting him as her "true love" all over her social media) I felt so disgusting... he said the safe words... I love you... and I allowed that to trump the turmoil he was feeding into my mental space and my physical being, I turned to the internet for answers, for help. And the discoveries I made were quite horrifying, and not appropriate for this blog (don't worry to those that are screaming WTF DID YOU FIND?!?, there will be a special writing done dedicated to this step in my journey at a different time, and probably on a different platform).

But the two beautiful things arose from this dark trip, I met Michael (If you know, you know, and if you don't, you will. That piece just needs a little more time to perfect before I release it) and the comforting idea that I wasn't alone.

THIS was where the beginning of meeting my true self began to grow, and came just in the nick of time to save me from myself... as I was starting to realize just how fucked up I was, and before I even had a chance to open the "Why" box... I found out I was pregnant with Zabrina.....

NSV (Non-Scale Victories):

Where do I start? What used to be my hardest physical work day would be my in-person at the prison, 6 hours of visit including transport, in an environment where I'm allowed NO comfort items (my heating pad, the pain meds, icy hot, a hot shower... shit I can't even take a pen with me) is now my "rest" day. I've almost tripled my work load because I'm at a point where I'm desperate for progression, and this stupid back has held me back enough. Now if I could just allow my body the rest it needs in between my financial battles without being made to feel guilty or lazy, either by my own mind or by outside influence, then I think I'm on to something. But that will come with time I know.

I try to hit the Y any chance I can, which has been great! Especially when I have the overwhelming urge to feed the depression beast's hunger and go home and lay in bed and cry myself into a nap when a mid-day visit gets cancelled and instead of waving the white flag.. I grab my biggest weapons (My daughter and 2 of my nieces) and head to the Y.... what a fun way to fight the depression battle!! It's hard to focus on how painful moving is when I have these 3 adorable goofballs yanking me from depression land with silly jokes, attempts to kill me in the lap pool, and the during drive to and from where we just jam out and be free.... Plus, as I learned from the magicians at PT.. I can use the water as a tool to re-align my spine and stretch out the spots that are physically causing me pain.

I actually swung with Zabrina!! Sunday was a rough day, it was Father's day, and her Father had promised he would meet her at a park (chosen by him) , on this day (also chosen by him) at 1:00 pm (ALSO chosen by him). She had been so excited she was determined to get him the cutest little bear that said "Best Dad Ever" on it's little shirt. I tried to prepare her, in case he didn't show, while practically begging him in messages to make an appearance to avoid her heart being broken. But she was adamant that he would show, because "he told me he would be here, Mom". He didn't. It crushed her. I watched as her faith was depleted, and the heartbreak set in. She asked me what she should do with the bear, and I told her she could do whatever she felt was right. She responded with "Well he might be late, can I just leave it on the bench for him?" I couldn't help but beam with pride at the selflessness of this beautiful little woman I'm blessed enough to be raising. But when she sat the bear on the bench... tears filled her little eyes and she said "I hope my Dad shows up to get you, since he didn't show up for me" and then she bravely walked away, silently.

I encouraged her to talk about her feelings, and when she expressed she couldn't without crying, I just held her close. My heart broke with her, but in that moment... I made a silent vow to her... She might be forgiving and understanding of her Father's constant lack of presence, but I'm not. I've kept the door WIDE open (hence why I always let HIM pick the place and time, so there's no confusion as to who's making the choice for him not to be there) and that door would now be closed and locked.

This doesn't mean that I won't allow him to see her, I would never do that until she reaches a point she doesn't feel comfortable giving him more chances... but just like with un-reliable parents that I work with in my passion job... he is now on a physical check in.. until he sends valid proof that he is AT the location... a won't utter a word to her about it and damn sure won't put her through the trauma of getting ready to go have her heart broke. And he did that himself, I bare no guilt for that decision. BUT....

While waiting for his arrival Zabrina had decided to go play on the swing, something that would have been super hard for me a year ago because just trying to push her on the swing would cause so much physical pain I just couldn't do it. But this time... I pushed her.. HIGH.. so high my anxities of her failling off the swing were at an all time high.. but she laughed and said "Higher Mommy HIGHER" and this drove me to push harder. And then... she asked me to swing next to her... instead of dwelling in the "What if I can't" mindset.. I 5...4...3...2...1...GO (Thank you Rachel Hollis!) and I sat on the swing, and then I started swinging slowly and next thing I knew I was so caught up in Zabrina's little giggle I was swinging just as high as her, and she was pumping those little legs SUPER fast to push higher.... and I kept up with her. And it was an amazing sense of being free as I swung through the air, really feeling the air rush through my hair, really hearing my little warrior's giggle and outward expression of enjoyment.. and all of a sudden the physical accomplishment was nothing in comparison to the accomplishment I'd just made as a Mother.


Mishaps and Oopsies:

Last week I didn't post (thank you to the ones that noticed and hit the DMs to check on me!) because I had another heartbreaking realization that a situation that I was SO sure was a forever piece of my life had to be halted because it was taking up way too much space in my energy, without reciprocation. That's another story for another blog (I've already faced SO much just formulating the sentences for what I have offered in this blog I just can't re-visit the pain of this situation at the present time). So I had to find my own personal peace with it, and I'm still working on this.

However, the night that this happened was a Nana night (Nana nights are now only when I get home to late to make bedtime because I'm working so much UGH) on my way home from work I stopped at McDonalds and bought ALL the things that I used to indulge myself in when I felt hopeless.. and I ate it... ALL of it.

Team that up with the fact this new WAY earlier work schedule and crazy ass schedule has become a new norm I'm not yet accustom to so I fell off of the TlS shakes, and even the Isotonix Womens Essentials AND the Ketones. I basically said fuck it and reverted back to all my poor behaviors, but it was justified in my head because I was dealing with something so tragic it brought back the "What if the world IS better without me" thoughts. Next thing I knew 4 days had gone by and NONE of the previous good habits I put into place were being executed (I even drank 2 sodas!). And for the first time in my life of falling off the wagon... I didn't dwell there. I said "That's ENOUGH, I know you're hurting, I know your heart is broken, I know that you are going through it.. but let's be factual... The pain is only mental, it's not like my back and an actual physical reason as to why I can't do some things, my heart isn't broken because it's still doing it's job which is to pump blood and assist in delivering nutrients to the rest of my body, and as far as going through it, but you've been through SO much worse, straighten your crown Queen, you're not being selfish, you're doing what's necessary to become the woman you desire to be.. eliminating that which brings questionable support and undying negativity."

And with that.. I proceed... one toxic battle at a time.


Thank you to my squad who's held me down when I wasn't strong enough to do it myself and couldn't stomach the thought of Zabrina having to hold me up, again. I am forever grateful for your role in this life I'm not only living, but creating.

Be mindful, be peaceful, be kind, be compassionate, but mostly be comfortable with the fact that your gut instincts are a clear sign that something isn't natural, don't waste energy forcing pieces into your life puzzle... Until next week.....

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