Fat Girl Friday Birthday Slim Down - Week 10 - 06/30/2023

Fat Girl Friday Update:

Starting Weight: 312 (April 28th weight in)

Last Week's Weight: 307.5

This Week's Weight Goal: ??

Thie Week's Actual Weight: 310

Week's Weight Difference: +2.5

Birthday Slim Down Weight Difference: -2

Well that went backwards! Good thing there’s a new month starting! Time to regroup, and refocus! '

Mental Health: This week has been SUPER rough mentally. I’ve found myself grasping for positivity and peace within Myself, but somehow keep getting thrown off guard by outside influences. I’ve done a whole lot of thinking this week, about everything, but mostly about how I react to people and situations around me. As I’m sure some may (or may not have yet) noticed that I have either withdrawn completely from them, or have started to sway on the level I discuss topics with them on. Please understand that this sudden withdrawal is not meant as a punishment or a “one up” as some seem to be taking it. It’s just me protecting my peace and opening up space in my life for people and situations that align with me. I don’t have hate or ill will for anyone anymore, mostly because that’s just kinda dumb, how on earth would I even benefit from someone else being harmed? Ugh some of my old mindset was SO negative and SO toxic, it’s honestly not a wonder I’m having to completely re-build my entire life, including replacing people and objects I knew for sure would be forever (at one point I believed this anyways). And it’s hard… taking the hit of realizing that ALL that time I spent traveling down bully brain lane and depression valley telling myself that people didn’t NEED me. Well guess what… I was right the entire time.

No, I’m not saying the world would be better with out me, however other people don’t NEED me, and I don’t NEED other people. And the amount of damage that came from me not understanding this is immeasurable. As long as I can remember I was always afraid of making SOMEBODY else upset… sometimes my parents, my brothers, my Grandparents, then my teachers, then “friends”, then co-workers, predatory men, selfish women, the list goes on and on. And I’m sure I’ve been told a million times that I’ll never be able to keep everyone else happy but I was bound and determined that if I didn’t… the consequences would be horrendous…. I’d ”ruin the family” … I “was a horrible sister”.. I “disrupted the class” … I “better give up my entire life and get the job done” … I “better say and wear what he wants me to so he doesn’t get upset again” … I avoided those consequences at ALL costs, so afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

But as I progress I realize that I was programmed to do as I was told, and any time I questioned that… I was either hushed, punished, or distracted. And that slowly became the normal treatment that I was just supposed to deal with. Right down to people who had SWORE to be there for me through my scary ass journey of single parenthood literally putting that same Child on the farthest burner on the back of their stove and when this started to become a habit, I no longer had the choice to make excuses and justify the horrendous treatment. Because it wouldn’t be long before Zabrina started asking questions and realizing when things are scary who’s there and the MINUTE she questions someones loyalty or intent… is when I have to put up defenses to protect her from people who don’t truly have her best interest at heart, even if I can’t let her see the invisible shields I have placed around her.

It hurts though, facing the fact that I don’ NEED anyone, just as they don’t NEED me. If we NEEDED other People then hermits in the mountains couldn’t live decades without so much as speaking to another human. So when I have to break ties (or at least give it a little break because a hard boundary has been crossed and I am at a point I can no longer control my emotions and REFUSE to pull the little girl stunt I used to and just throw out whatever hurtful thing I could conjure up in a disagreement just to make someone else’s image of themself match that of mine. So I just back off. I give exactly TWO attempts to be heard, to explain I’m NOT competing, I’m NOT holding onto past transgressions, I’m NOT TRYING to fight… I’m literally only focused on being a better Mother to Zabrina every day, I’m simply pointing out that the same past behaviors are STILL happening (and making sure that everyone understands when it comes to my boundaries.. I’d rather suffer the pain of “losing” someone than continuously feel the pain of feeling like I’m just a back up plan for when everyone else bails OR when something is needed of me.. and when I bring up concerns that I have (which are becoming fewer and fewer as I realize just how useless talking is most of the time) I’m not looking for a tit for tat argument … I’m looking to try to save whatever kind of relationship we have, which I only do if I care.

One thing I’ve learned is there were a whole lot of people on my friends list that I honestly didn’t care about either. I know that sounds a bit harsh.. but truth be told if some of them died tomorrow I’d be like whoa that sucks and move on without a tear. So I started questioning myself why even have them in my friends list… why give them a front row ticket to the shit show, when all they are going to do is use my bad days as justification for the trash they talked (or felt) about me previously. So I deleted them. No blocking (Only 1 person in the world outside of spammers holds the glory of being on my block list and you’d be shocked to find out it’s NOT the man I mentioned previously) LOL I don’t block. Unless I’m DONE. But when I’m at a point that I’m ready to start blocking.. NO explanations, No attempts to find what I saw in them to begin with… just “You don’t make my energy happy… BLLOOP … Unfriended”. Just like that.

I don’t block because I also know that disagreements happen and sometimes mistakes are made, so in the event there is ever a situation that went through turmoil and a change of heart is had, I like to leave the lines of communication open, however they are no longer open to those that don’t aren’t aligned with the woman I’m becoming. I’m fighting to damn hard to build this woman and climb that tree of life for that high fruit energy to let low fruit energy keep me from being able to reach what I deserve.

The rest of the week pretty much sucked, I ended up with a super bad sore throat and a migraine that put me down for the better part of Friday. Which was okay because my visit cancelled anyways. I spent a good portion of the day sleeping, which would normally make me feel really bad mentally and bring the bully brain out full force… but this time.. I’m proud of myself. Sure there’s a million things that I COULD have gotten done, but I got everything I HAD to get done finished and managed to spend some time downstairs, which I would have normally avoided like the plague because I have an even harder time controlling my emotions and more importantly my energy when I don’t feel good. But I was able to deal with the overstimulation of so many people and so many noises in one space. I think tomorrow I’ll be able to wake up and refocus on things which is necessary… because tomorrow starts the July reset and I’m SO not prepared for it.

New Habits Started: I had an actual pool PT session on Tuesday and because I’ve been going to the Y when I have a chance between the chronic back pain, being a Mom, and working all while developing my passion for life and discovering the woman I’m meant to be, they decided to show me some advanced exercises… When the Magician they call Dan (I call him a brat but technicalities) was QUICK to up the exercise level.. and Vonna didn’t even help me! Heh~! But I nailed it (kinda) and now I have an entire new artillery (and a blue board woot!) to take with me to the Y from here on out. I sure do miss being at that place but the Y has opened up so many more opportunities <3

The last major habit I’ve started to introduce to our life is dedicated educational time for Zabrina. I found this really cute summer educational work book at Target, AND I made the investment of getting Zabrina a leap frog book system and we try to take at least 15 minutes a day to work on one or the other (or both!) The way I see it is ANY time invested in the betterment of HER or myself.. is better than none :) And this way I have a hand in the foundation of her educational start :)

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Anyways, I’m exhausted and still not feeling well so until next time… Stay hydrated, Stay humble.