top of page

Fat Girl Friday - 05/10/2024 - Week 19 - No Wonder I'm Fat

I know I said we'd cover volcanoes more in depth, and we will, but this week I wanted to take a break before we get into the more scary parts of the volcanoes and talk about a real time problem that I've discovered…..

Throughout my fasting experience one thing became far more clear than I was ready to face… I have a HORRID food addiction and a horribly toxic relationship with food. However, because I don’t eat for a majority of the day most days, I was masking the level of concern I should have for my food relationship. The problem seems to arise mostly at night time and early in the morning, and for very valid reason. Today I come clean with my readers (and viewers if I decide to vlog about this) and more so… myself. So let’s take a little journey down the mental side of my food addiction, even though it’s hard for me to even type about.

I decided last month to begin testing intermittent fasting, thinking it would be easy… just don’t eat but the 3rd day into my fasting (I’d lasted about 12-15 hours each fast) I started having thooughts about food that would slam around my head like a wrecking ball. One night I felt the overwhelming urge to get a bowl of cereal, not the healthy kind but peanut butter captain crunch. I had the urge as I was getting ready to read for the night and the thoughts got so loud I couldn’t even focus on the book I was so excited to finish. So I forced myself to go to bed, exhausted but not sleepy. I laid there for what seemed like hours before I finally dozed off, waking in a startle with the only thought that I NEEDED that cereal. I glanced at the clock and it was 3:23 am, I thought to myself “Nobody will even notice, everyone is still in bed” and then I thought “Don’t be fucking stupid Angie, you don’t need the cereal” but as I laid there my head started pounding, probably from the violent slamming of these thoughts of cereal and I eventually gave into the thoughts and went and got a GIANT bowl of my favorite cereal. As soon as I finished the last bite I felt sick. Not from the cereal, but from the guilt of what I’d just done. I vowed this was the end of giving in and the next time I’d be stronger.

I fasted for 16 hours that next day, which wasn’t that hard because I usually don’t eat until dinner anyways. I went to bed that night and woke up around midnight, without even thinking I dug through the almost empty snack drawer in our room looking for something to take the again loud thoughts away. I found an entire bag of reeses eggs, and just like the giant bowl of cereal, I devoured them. Laying there after my stomach felt like there was a rock in it, and the intrusive thoughts became more brutal. “Ugh You’re so fucking stupid Angie, you know you shouldn’t have done that, you’re NEVER going to lose the weight you want and will forever be a failure as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a friend, way to go idiot” I cried myself back to sleep, woke up and went another 13 hours without food. When I got home I ate part of dinner, skipping the carbs and only eating the meat and vegetables. Swearing that this would be the night that I didn’t ridiculously binge on the foods I KNOW aren’t good for me.

The next morning I woke up with my back pain at about an 8 and a throbbing headache, and to a Zabrina who was bouncing off the walls with excitement

“MOM” she exclaimed “Grandpa got donuts! Do you want one?”

“No baby, Mom’s not feeling so good”

“But Mom it’s food, it’ll make you feel better and they are sooooo yummy, I’ll go get you one” and out the door she ran, returning a few minutes later to ask “Mom do you want the sprinkle ones or no sprinkles?”

“Baby, I told you I really don’t feel like eating a donut”

“Too bad, it’ll make you feel better, I’ll pick one for you” And she bounced out the door singing as she went down the stairs.

A few minutes later she returned with a chocolate sprinkled donut and the thoughts in my head were to ugly to share. “Eat it Fatty, you know you’re going to. If you don’t you’re going to break her heart. It’s just one” and feeling like crap left me with no willpower to fight. The voices were right.

I thanked her and ate the donut.

I didn’t eat anything else until dinner came, I don’t rightfully remember what dinner was that night but I’m sure it wasn’t what I should be eating. When I went to bed I resolved that I would go without snacking. But as I lay there the thoughts of those donuts became louder and louder until I actually said out load “STOP I can’t do this” and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I glanced at the clock… 4:24 am, and as I wiped my sleepy eyes the thoughts started again. LOUD. SCREAMING thoughts about those stupid donuts. I cried as I walked down the stairs… Why can’t I just NOT go get the damn donuts… and more so WHY couldn’t I stop myself from grabbing 2? I KNOW better. I KNOW what the scale will show.

And in this moment I realized…. THIS is MY normal. I go all day, not eating when people can see me for fear of the remarks, but then when night hits…. I eat literally everything. And I can’t stop it.

I don’t know in this moment how I’ll ever beat this addiction, it is a constant thought in my head and all the ugly thoughts that come with it are exhausting, but I know I will, some how, someday.

So tell me, honestly, what are you addictions? What is your relationship like with food? Have you overcome anything like this and if so how?

~Until next time, Stay humble, stay hydrated~

3 views0 comments


bottom of page