Fat Girl Friday - 02/23/2024 - Week 8 - 60 Days In - Where Are We?

Last week I introduced the first time I can recall my insecurities and jealousy teaming up to influence how I interacted with other people, and we’ll get back to that because, trust me, I've got a couple of really good pieces laid out that I'm working on. But because of them kind of tying together, for the 1st time since I started this blog, I'm actually PLANNING and it's taking a bit longer than I anticipated LOL

Since it's already Saturday and I'm no where near finished with any of those I thought it'd be a good time to do an update…. So here goes.....

Mental-

It got dark, like scary dark. I wrote about it but only slightly and I didn't dare post anything until I was FOR SURE coming out of it. I have this weird mental tick that feels like if I post or talk about the dark place in the moment of only 1 of 2 things will happen: either people will think I'm just trying to get attention, or worse…. People will say all the things they "are supposed to” in order to change my mind, which just leads to a much darker and more complicated spiral.

So I did the best I could, most days barely able to go to work and take care of Zabrina's basic needs. I was in my bed for anywhere from 12-18 hours a day for the better part of a month. But I only told 2 people in the darkest moments that I was struggling. 1 of them was super understanding, he's been through a couple of these waves with me, but never this bad of one, so he was kind of prepared but even he recognized the difference in the depths of the darkness this wave. The other person was facing the start of what appeared to be a dark wave for her, so I tried to minimize the need I had for a hand in my own storm.

Everyone else got 2 TikTok videos on each of my accounts (consistency), some bullshit snaps and insta's "sorry guys no live tonight, things got busy #WorkingMom" when they should have said “sorry guys my entire day is spent laying in bed telling myself all the reasons the world would be a better place without me and my nights are cram packed with night terrors that make me re-live the scariest moments of my life, leaving me 2 maybe 3 hours of interrupted sleep" I don't mean to lie to the majority of people in my life, but when I'm drowning it's embarrassing to open up, something else I'm working on.

I did end up going to the doctor, mostly to talk about the anxiety waves I've been experiencing and to see about getting back on the Victoza and getting a new referral for PT to continue strengthening my back and to boost the weight loss. After opening up about the darkness and all the things it was preventing me from doing... he recommended a medicine that would "assist" but wasn't an anti-depressant. In fact he told me that this medicine is typically given as a helper when anti-depressants aren't enough and told me these won't make me numb like the medicines that I stepped down off of last year. So I agreed.

When I got home and looked up the medicine, the first description I saw left my jaw on the floor.... "is an atypical antipsychotic drug that has been recently introduced for clinical use in the treatment of schizophrenia". A fucking antipsychotic. My Bully Brain went NUTS. But after calming myself down (and telling my Bully Brain to kiss off) I dug a little deeper and found that this medicine also has many uses, including helping with chemical imbalances and helping tame ADD and ADHD. This made me feel better, slightly. But I decided since my very trusting Doctor recommended it, and he knows my feelings, I'd at the very least try it. We'll see how this goes....

The fact that I just faced the darkest wave I've seen since I lost Deshaun and DIDNT begin preparing for my own death, DIDNT fall behind in my work, DIDNT stop the progression, and DIDNT tap out of my Momsponsibilities.... speaks volumes for my progress with the battle against my naturally stronger Bully Brain.

Physical-

The back has started to give me problems again, and I'm not surprised. I'm pushing myself to the limits with keeping up with the cleaning, working both jobs, physically playing with Zabrina, AND walking for the majority of my visits as they are in the community, it was a matter of time before my back would start screaming for help, except this time I'm not scared or ashamed to get it the help it needs. I just need the mental to play along so I don't struggle to get up and make it to my PT appointments.

I weighed in at 311, which is 5 lbs more than my last weigh in and 19 lbs higher than my set goal that will keep me aligned with losing 2 lbs a week. That wasn't as big of a blow to the mental as I expected, because I know I haven't actually engaged in being active with the weight loss, in fact I haven't put into place any of the plans that I drew up towards the end of last year.

It's OK, this is an easy part to make up, I just have to get back to the plan

FGRB Glow Up-

Last October I started laying out the plans that would make this year everything I wanted it to be, weight loss challenges, budget challenges, Glow up advice for The Squad, etc. I KNEW what direction I wanted each of my life compartments to go and I had poured HOURS into setting up all the tools I'd need. So why am I lacking in damn near every life compartment?

I had to take a step back and really evaluate the last 3 months of the year and I discovered exactly where I went wrong. On top of taking the blow of having to set boundaries with people, and cutting off the ones that couldn't hold to them, I had gotten an insight to a project that appeared to make someone very important to me happy. I saw her light up with passion when we'd exchange ideas for the project and I decided to do everything I could to support this project, without taking into consideration the toll it would take on my own projects and goals. I saw a chance to help someone else with their purpose, and let that mixed with some ridiculous drama dim my shine. I spent hours taking notes, doing research, and creating content that aligned not with my original plan, but to help build this new idea.

I realize now that this is exactly where I tend to go wrong more times than not. I put myself out to help support other people's needs and dreams and let my own get pushed to the side. And I've done this since I was in high school.

Back then it was more to fit in or to ensure people liked me, because I was so in hate with myself that I needed the validation of having people around to make me feel important. Now it's because I know the dark and it I can see any way to bring someone I care about away from it, I do. Even when that same step isn't taken when it comes to my own dreams or goals. This can't happen anymore, no matter how much it hurts my heart..... My goals and dreams HAVE to be the most important on my agenda, which sometimes makes me feel selfish, but let's be honest..... If I don't put my goals at the front, they will die, because I'm the only one who has the power to keep them alive.

So for the next 10 months... MY goals are the ONLY ones I'm taking the lead role on. I'll assist where I can, WHEN my goals are met and IM on the right track. MY future is the ONLY thing I'm planning on my own. And the plans I have are OUTLANDISH and will be hard as fuck to obtain, but next year at this time, all those seeds I'm planting will be flourishing, which will be great because next year is the LAST year in my dirty 30's so it will be time to prepare for my Fruitful Forties <3

And I couldn't be more excited to prepare for the next decade of my life because this time... I'm the one in control, because I'll put the work in to make sure my Ship is steered in the right direction.

So hold on tight because if you've been with me this long, you're about to have your mind blown at the tricks I'm about to pull off to make MY Glow Up a legacy to remember.

Until next time.... ~Stay Humble, Stay Hydrated~