Fat Girl Friday - 02/16/2024 - Week - - Jealousy Fed By Insecurities - Take 1

I've never really known what to expect when it comes to friendships, I don't ever remember any adults in my life explain to me the importance of setting (and even more importantly communicating) boundaries with anybody aside from future boys I’d date. All I can remember is being the heaviest, slowest, and not the smartest kid in all my classes, and the burning desire to be liked, by any of the other kids.

I always felt like an outcast, like nothing I ever did was cool enough. If everyone else was wearing all red, Id change my entire wardrobe to fit in.… just to be teased by my peers for looking like the kool-aid man. I remember one time in 1st or 2nd grade I walked down the hallway at my elementary, weeks after I tried fitting in by wearing a red shirt, while a group of older boys followed close calling out "oh yea” mimicking the kool-aid man busting through the wall. Stupid boys. I wasn't even wearing a red shirt for crying out loud.

I had a handful of "friends" but none id consider significant. I couldn't be myself around them, I had secret thoughts I had to keep protected. Plus I was sure even as young as this that the yelling and certain activities in my home life would be for sure torture if anyone found out, and more importantly to me back then, my parents would be upset with me. Don't worry I was safe, it just was a different time for parents back then.

Plus there were deeper secrets to protect than those of my family. The secrets within my own head were for more scary than any happenings within my house. I hated myself. And the thoughts that would float around in my young brain were brutal. And the actions that were caused by the thoughts couldn't be witnessed by others either.

So when the very few humans who actually wanted to entertain a friendship with me, never got the full version of me. Just the version I thought would be accepted.

Until I met Megan. I didn't like her at first, she gave me dirty looks, and when I brought this up to my mother I was told I needed to be nice, her parents were friendly with mine. So of course, I had to be nice.

Then one day Jessica bell changed everything. I don't remember what she did, or exactly what was said but I remember the instant I realized Megan's hatred for Jessica was as deep as mine, I decided she wasn't that bad and a friendship was born. The only thing I still to this day don't know is her actual reasoning for not liking Jessica, and until this very moment, NO ONE knew why I did.… I was jealous because Jessica was everything I wasn't. She could wear a red shirt and look amazing in it. She was skinny. Her hair wasn't frizzy. She didn’t need glasses. EVERYBODY liked Jessica.... Except Megan and me.

And that was the first of MANY times that my insecurities fed the embarrassing jealousy monster who lives in my head. He enjoys the insecurities because it gives him more chances

to feed.