Everybody Needs Help, But I Don't Like Asking

As anyone who follows me (the few times I've posted right, I know, I know I'll be more dedicated to making actual content now that my life is starting to seem to have a balance) you know that back in December of 2020 something happened where my back started to clench up so tight I couldn't stand and it would hurt to even breathe. After MONTHS of chronic pain, no help aside from here's some opioids don't die from my insurance (my doctors officer has been absolutely amazing through all of this!) and an almost nose dive off of the dark diving board of not feeling good enough for anything constituted by the fact most days I could barely give my daughter basic care (shoutout to mom, dad, and my brothers for stepping in and helping when I wasn't strong enough on my own!!) the insurance company FINALLY approved an MRI. They discovered I have multiple herniated discs in my back that are flaring up so bad that sometimes they push on my spinal cord or nerves. I went to a neurologist and was told they "aren't bad enough for surgery". So I went to a pain management specialist who told me the disc causing me the most severe pain (right between the shoulder blades where the bra clasps sit) is too narrow an area to get the steroid shot, and being overweight leaves even less room. So he basically said that before we "Shoot and pray" with steroid shots that he recommends trying to build muscle and create more space (basically the nice way to say Hey you're being so overweight is now the reason we can't really help you, but in the nice I don't want to offend you type of way) so he referred me to Aqua Physical Therapy. I was SO scared to even try it because everything hurt so bad when I move and after 3 sessions of land physical therapy putting me in such bad shape I was in the ER twice I was terrified of the word therapy, however now after a few short months I have gone from not even being able to change zabrinas diaper in tears or stand long enough to take a full shower to actually taking Zabrina shopping, sitting on the floor to play with her, cooking actual meals, handling all of our domestic chores and getting back to the point I can take in person visits for work (I’ve had to do only virtual visits which has cut so deep into my pockets I’m literally working JUST to cover bills right now). Im not a prisoner anymore!!! I’m just in a whole world of pain when I do a bit more than my back agrees with, which some days is getting outside and some days is going shopping etc, so I’d really like to be able to keep up with the aqua physical therapy because it’s working.

After pondering the idea of starting a go fund me and talking to a couple friends I’ve decided to do it. I hesitated at first because I don’t like feeling like a hand out and being a burden on people triggers hella bad anxieties and self doubts (stupid bully brain), however As one of my close friends said “you have a whole team of support people, you have to allow them the opportunity to know you have something they can help with before you can even begin to feel like a burden” so I’ve done it. Out of chance. Out of hope. Out of well if it works it works otherwise I figure out how to make it happen.

So with that, even though I know I’ve promised to be more active before and produce more content before, now that I’ve committed to asking for help… I will definitely be dedicating way more of my time budget to this blog and sharing with my group of supporters what I’m going through and the progress (and set backs) I’m facing. At least that way I won’t feel so much like I’m taking the journey alone…..

For anyone interested in helping me out on my journey…. Even just by sharing…. Here’s the link

https://gofund.me/41c82e4c

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