Emotional Overload - It's Finally Spilling Over

As I type this, Zabrina is watching Gabby's Dollhouse on the couch in the living room. We just finished eating our first meal of the day (It's almost 1:00 pm). I spent the majority of the morning laying in bed crying because my back is so clenched even standing hurts, and I'm now in tears at the kitchen table. Zabrina doesn't understand, she's 2, but she keeps telling me it's okay. But it's not. I'm not. And the shit part is... I don't know how to make them okay. We had a great weekend. We had the girls (Ziva and Layna) Thursday night through Sunday. We had a family pizza night on Friday and invited everyone over. Saturday we went to the park. Sunday to the Pumpkin Patch. Monday another park with Megan and then Tuesday I had self led PT (I'm so SO grateful for this session). I shouldn't be surprised that on Wednesday night my back started clenching. I should have expected it. It's not like I'm actually "better" I'm just getting stronger, and that takes time. But this morning... when I woke up and realized that it was going to be yet another day I get to feel like a horrible mom because I can't do all the things I want to with my daughter. because yet another day that I will never get back is wasted because I'm in so much pain. And another day I won't be able to keep up with all of the demands of being a single working mother trying to make ends just meet, and to be honest I'm even failing at that.

It's too much. And Zabrina is so on the go I literally can't keep up with her. And today she's whiney, SO whiney. It seems all she does anymore is whine or cry and I feel like it's all my fault, like I can't keep her happy. And today it was too much. I yelled at her. No I screamed at her. Through tears, I screamed "Zabrina I can't do this. I really can't do this. Just STOP, PLEASE" and then I broke down crying, and she broke down crying, and I walked away. I fucking walked away. Something I swore I would never, no COULD never do... I walked away while she was crying. I left her in our room crying while I went and sobbed in the laundry room. It's too much. And I feel so lonely... like it's stupid. I know so many people that are there, that I could reach out to. That I could say "Hey I need help" But why... so they can be burdened with my seriously mixed up mental problems coupled with back pain I try so hard to hide I'm pretty convinced some think I'm faking it. And why when I know what they will say. Just like I know what will happen if I go to the hospital for my back. There's nothing more that can be done or said. The hospital will pump me full of meds that make it so I'm forced to lay down , I'm not even able to function on the shit they give you at the ER.

So I sit at the table and I cry. I feel my back tensing, I want to just go lay back down. Take all the meds (not at once, I don't want to die on purpose) but just lay there and pray for it to go away. But Zabrina needs breakfast (or lunch I suppose) I have visits to not only schedule but host today, coming up in just a couple hours. There is laundry to be done. Dinner will need to be cooked, And then the clean up. And on top of it all... Zabrina wants to finish making the Halloween garland that we started yesterday. I want to do the project with her. and Smile. Laugh. Make memories that don't include me breaking down in tears every 2 seconds and my toddler being my sole support beam of the day.

It was in these moments of desperation that I'd message my friend Michael (Who I have started a blog regarding but haven't had the courage or mental capacity to finish so I know there will be some confusion for the handful of people that read this far) and he would always know what to say. I also felt like I was a burden to him, but he'd assure me I wasn't, even when I wasn't strong enough to voice the words. And somehow he'd calm the storm that is my brain, which apparently ties directly to the physical feelings I've been going through.

I want to quit, but I don't have that option. This may seem selfish. This may seem concerning. This may seem fucked up. But I literally can't quit. Because I've got Zabrina. And even though more often than not I feel like she'd be better off without an emotionally wrecked, physically limited, not able to do what normal moms can mother, there is a small part of me that screams I'm worthy, I'm a good mom, my back will heal, I will be everything I want and more. And that little voice teamed up with my little girl standing here asking me why I'm crying, and telling me I'm the "best mommy in the whole world" will conquer. Not today. But one day. I will win. Or I'll die trying.